sooooo
Thursday, January 29th, 2009Have you ever been totally caught off guard by emotion?? One minute you’re thinkin’.. “Yah,,, whatever.. I’m cool”.. and then the next..BAMMMMMMMM BAMMMM BAMMM BAMMMM and you’re sitting there sobbing like a baby?? Ahhhh dreaded emotion. Happened to me last night, and totally unexpectedly…
So I’m sitting there in my parenting group, hosted by the wonderful Ann Brown. And mind you, I suffer from ADD or AADD (adult attention deficit disorder) … so one of the women in my group just had twins like three weeks ago…. Cutest little babies ever. So she’s there with her babies, amongst group, while talking and discussing the throws of parenthood, this poor woman is juggling her babies like a couple of balls. One is nursing, the other one is fussy because she’s still hungry, then when she’s done with that one, the other one goes on the breast, and the other needs his pants changed… I mean seriously, it was like the poor woman couldn’t even focus on the topics because she was pulled this way and a’that… And ,, since I’m one of those lucky ones that suffer from ADD (and I swear I’ve suffered from it since day one, and never have been medicated for it),, I was just totally INTO watching poor her multitasking and listening, and breastfeeding, and changing shitty pants, and then breast feeding again, and sucking down a cookie, and then a strawberry, and then going pee, and then drinking more water, then nursing again. So… point to my story… With all the women in the group, most of us took our turns holding the twin that didn’t “need” anything at that given moment. Now, I’ve always been intimidated by newborns. Even with my own kids, when they were newborns, I felt like they were foreign little aliens that would break if you looked at em. Just the newborn stage was enough to put me over the edge with anxiety. “What if I drop her?” “What if I push her neck too far and she’s paralyzed?”… just all the what ifs.. So some of the women had taken their turns holding them, but I just sort of watched, and witnessed all of them soaking in the glee of holding a newborn, and happily sat there w/out taking MY turn. So the woman next to me (whom I totally adore) was holding the little baby girl, Charlotte, and so I leaned over to her amidst her turn and said, “Pssst.. hey,, when you’re done,, I want to hold her.”… She agreed, and 4.7 mins later, she handed little sweet Charlotte over to me. First of all, the little protocols come a rushing back.. i.e. support the head/neck, don’t break em, are my hands clean?, oh holy geez this baby is so tiny. So I’m sitting there just soaking in every eye movement of this little baby girl, every twitch, every jerking hand movement, and then I notice that she’s getting fussy. So after taking cue to the bottle that this woman supplements her babies with in between feedings.. or rather, the bottle that she has to give one while she’s nursing the other to keep the peace and her sanity I’m convinced, I ask the chick next to me to give me the bottle, as it’s totally apparent that little Charlotte is about to root for my nasty coat.. So there I sit, completely neglecting the conversations around me, and I’m sitting there totally fixated on making sure that Charlotte is not sucking in too much air, and that I’m holding it correctly etc… and so she finishes the small amount in the bottle, and I put it down, and I pull her away from my embrace to burp her upright on my lap (the whole neck hold method),,, and at THAT moment, it hit me, square in the face that I would never again hold a baby that came from my body, from my womb, like that ever ever again. Backing up about a year and a 1/2, I had a hysterectomy in Sept of 2007 due to some serious female issues. And granted, I thought about it after I had the surgery that I would never be able to have a baby again, but never ever did I think it would affect me emotionally the way that it did at that very minute. The tears started to come, and I didn’t realize the gravity of them until they were full force dripping down my cheeks. I’ll never have a baby of my own again. I’ll never get to experience the miracle of childbirth, me and my husband are done pro-creating. I hadn’t held a newborn baby since my surgery until that minute last night. I wept inside and out…. I felt such a loss….. I felt so helpless, but yet at the same time, it felt so good to let it out, to cry. It was almost as if holding that little sweet baby helped me mourn the loss of my uterus….. it is gone… I’m sure everyone was like,, “What the hell?”…. but you just have to be there, in that position to know what I’m talking about. Such a final feeling. It was good. The mother stood up and apologized to me, as if she had caused my emotional tears, but I shushed her away, and just wanted to sit there and hold little Charlotte for another few minutes……… And finally when I wasn’t able to console her anymore, I handed her back to her mother who was sitting on the couch, and watched her kiss her forehead before she began to breastfeed, and I looked at her, and just thought,, “Wow…. you are one lucky woman”…..
So here it is… the new cuff/charm/cuff charm bracelet. Very super cool.. the ovals just slide along like no bodies business ;c) Still struggling with a name for it, but pretty sure it will be on the website w/in the next week or so. I’ve been wearing one for the last couple of days, and it is very “jingley”.. hence the Mrs. Bo Jangles reference. It’s very pretty!! It’s not for the simple women…. as it is bold, and blingey…. very stylin’!! Haven’t put on anymore than three ovals, but I’m certain “the more the merrier” with this one.
Well… tonight is Date Night…. Hubby and I don’t get to go out all that often nil kids. Buttttttt the babysitter is running late because the babysitting job she has been on since 4pm is running a little late. So it goes. Not worried. I’m not really sure what we have planned for this fine evening… all I know is that my hubby has been busily preparing (online) the “treasure hunt” (if you will) for the evening. He has this knack of planning any day… like an all day … place to place… sort of planned out… scheduled… thing… I love it when he does this, because every time we pull up to somewhere it’s like a surprise. And since we have until midnight to get our wiggles out, who KNOWS what he’s got up his sleeves. Remind me to tell you about “Hokey Saturday” when my girlfriend, Tatum, was up to visit when we lived in Seattle. Now THAT was a fun day!!!! He has a real imagination when he puts his mind to it. It’s really really really hard to surprise me. I’m like one of those annoying people that you can never surprise, because I have the intuition of a wolf. I ALWAYS know when something is being brewed and stirred behind my back. But those rare occasions when I’m totally taken by surprise,,, I’m totally impressed and bewildered. 
Only a true Oregonian can understand the meaning of sunshine. The creepy part, is that you don’t REALLY realize just how much importance the sun has until it is showing it’s shining face. Today is sunny…. and as I was sitting outside earlier.. taking a stamping break, I heard a bird that I haven’t heard in a long time. I’m hoping that that particular bird isn’t in need of antidepressants, and only comes out when the sun does…… altho’ I wouldn’t doubt it. It has been soooooo dreary this winter so far. Granted, the snowfall was fun while it lasted (sort of), but the incessant rain, ugh… just makes you all pale and pastey and vitamin deficient. So when the sun DOES come out, like today, it’s like a “WOW…. that’s the sun, I must’ve forgot what it felt like, to feel the rays piercing thru the layers of clothes and blinding my sensitive eyes.” I don’t own a pair of sunglasses….. I don’t think many Oregonians do. OR, if they do, then they get lost from time to time, in the junk drawer, in the bottom of a backpack, all squished and busted to ribbons. You don’t need them. Or at least I don’t. Yah Yah,, I’m sure I’ll have glaucoma or eye cancer one of these days… retinal burn syndrome.. whatever.. But gosh the sun feels good today. I’m glad I got all my stamping done this morning, so that this afternoon, I can sit out in the street while the kids play and frolic in the sun as well. Just puts a whole new spin on the day, on our moods, on our well-beings when the sun is out. But then, naturally, when it goes away again, and the rain and clouds and dreariness kick in, you just miss it that much more because of the little taste ya got a few days earlier. We take what we can get. 
OH my gosh…. you’ve never seen anything cuter than your youngest going to her first swim lessons…………. afterall….. thats big kid stuff. On one hand it’s “ohhhhhhh so cute”… and on the other is..”booo hooo hooo,, my baby is not a baby anymore.” Poor Maggers had a heck of a day the other day. Day before (Sunday) she went up the mountain (the four of us went) and it was her first time skiing and learning…. thennnn the next day, on Monday, I opted to have all her hair chopped off into a cute little bob that morning, then she had her well baby check up that afternoon.. (two shots), then… that same night she had her first swim lessons. I thought FORSURE she would sleep all night in her own bed,, but no such luck. She was in our bed by 2am (typical time)… But just recently, like w/in the last two weeks, my youngest, Maggie, just seems so grown up to me. I catch myself staring at her from a distance when I know she isn’t aware I’m staring at her… And while observing her, I just realize that she isn’t the toddler she was a week ago.. A week?? Maybe two. It goes so damn fast. People used to tell me that when they were itty bitty, and I’d just do the “new-mommy-nod-your-head” and say,,yah yah,, I know,, it MUST go so fast (even tho’ the “service” years are enough to make anyone go nuttier that squirrel shyte)… But it’s totally true. One minute you have a toddler and a newborn, and then the next you have a full fledged 2nd grader and a preschooler that is the tallest in her class. Skiing, gettin’ haircuts, riding bicycles n’ stuff… just baffling. Next thing I know he’s going to be driving a damn car, and she’s going to be bringing friends over for slumber parties… Makes me just sad… sad AND glad. The independence that comes with maturity is nice… let’s face it. But letting go of the babyhood is very saddening……………..as they can’t stay babies forever. Whats funny is my older sister, Daneen and her family just got a new baby yellow lab puppy. And she sends me video after video of “Bodey” chewing on cups, and barking at the other animals, and being the doofy puppy that they are when they are that young.. and I just grit my teeth and wanna squeeze the daylights out of him. THAT and run to the nearest puppy store and get me a puppy.. To nurture…. to take care of a helpless being…. it’s in our blood.